"If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans."

This year has been an amazing journey. I have soared to new and higher heights than I ever thought possible. My relationships are richer and heart is fuller than it has ever been in my life. Each day I have had the opportunity to actually live and cherish the moment I'm in. Sometimes that's difficult. On occasion I do still wish away a day or two, but I really try my best not to.

Lately, I have been trying to figure out if a move across the country is where I should go next. Wheels are set in motion, and I'm in the final stages of interviewing for my "dream" company... Notice how I said 'dream company' and not 'dream job'? You see, the company I'm interviewing with is amazing. I've been known to claim that if this company were a person, then I would marry it. [Yes, my love does go that deep.] Currently, I have an opportunity to join said company but I don't want the position I'm interviewing for. It's a place I never considered being in when praying about and contemplating this move. I pretty much only considered that either I'd get the offer and go or wouldn't get the offer and wouldn't go....

But what do you know, a third option exists! It's as the saying goes... "If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans." I hear you laughing God. ;-)

So here I sit still in the interview process but I know this position isn't meant for me. I'm excited though. I'm excited for the opportunity to stay in Atlanta and continue my journey with the people here and my life here. Even if it's only for another few months until the position I really want opens up again...

So what is the point of writing all of this?

I write all of this because another opportunity has arisen unexpectedly (again, I hear God laughing), and staying in Atlanta means the chance to give it a whirl. You see, this opportunity is one that I didn't expect nor did I seek it out.... Nor did I think I wanted it. This opportunity is one to possibly make a healthy, teeny tiny, baby step forward with my parents. My mom will be in a summer class to become Catholic at my church with my dad at her sponsor. I volunteered as a leader of this class 3 summers ago but haven't helped in quite some time. Coincidentally (or not... probably not), the head of the program reached out and asked if I would be interested in helping out again this summer. I didn't respond right away.

I decided to take some time and think on it and pray on it. Along with the job opportunity I was praying on and the new potential relationship in my life. [Did I tell you there's lots of big things going on??] On Tuesday of this week, I was able to gain clarity and made a decision. I am going to help out with the summer classes and allow this to be my next "try" with my parents. I honestly have no idea if it will help anything, but the least I can do is try. God knocks on our door unexpectedly and I am open to where He leads me. This time, I know He has opened a door or window or peephole into a step forward. These classes will allow me to stick to my boundaries and keep us in a neutral environment. I will also be helping to lead it, so I will be in a position of authority. They will get to see that energy from me and hopefully will respond respectfully. Hopefully. Things start two weeks from Sunday. We shall see....

Fifteen Part 2

I've kind of been putting off writing this post. Not because I don't want to share it but each time I put my past experiences on "paper", it somehow makes them more real than they already were and are. Alas, I need to write these things down, so here goes Fifteen, Part Deaux...

At the age of 15 was when my relationship with my parents began the transition from child to adult pretty quickly. When most children should be worried about school work, the opposite sex (come on, hormones!), that awkward stage, and perhaps what pool they would spend their summer at, my fifteenth year (and sixteenth year) was spent consoling my mom and being a sounding board for her.

You see, that year was when my mom started to suspect that my dad was having an affair. Not just any affair, but an affair with a woman who had been working for my dad since I was nine years old. [We will call her "K" for the purposes of anonymity.] K had become a best friend to my mom and the older sister I never had. She was there at every birthday and holiday celebration that I can remember. She was the one who taught me how to answer the phones at my dad's office when I worked there over the summer. She would come to my karate competitions and cheer my sister and I on. I can still picture her porcelain-like skin, thin stature, jet black hair with thin, big bangs. She had some keychains on her car keys that she promised to me when I turned 16 (which she delivered but they have since be tossed out with yesterday's trash).

Looking back, I almost wonder if the affair had been going on for years before we first knew it. My mom started telling me she suspected something was going on between them. Dad always had an excuse for needing to work late and missing dinner with the family. He was also growing increasingly defensive and irritable when he would buy us "things" and we didn't respond in the way in which he wanted. [Insert verbal abuse and yelling and screaming here.] There were countless claims that we didn't really love him and appreciate him. None of us. To which we would reply "of course we do!" through tears streaming down our faces. We were always the bad guys. He was always the victim. In reality, he was the one sinning against his own family.

This affair went on for at least two to three years that I know of. My mom would confide in me and ask me if I knew where my dad was. Try and call him and see if he would answer. She was also confiding in a close friend of the family at the time too. I don't blame her. She had no where to turn. Unfortunately, her confiding in me caused me to lose a part of my childhood. I no longer trusted any man I dated for the next decade. I still have doubts in my mind, but have come to the conclusion and a sense of peace that I can't control anyone but myself. If a man wants to be unfaithful, then that is his decision and he will have to face the consequences. I wouldn't change anything. I'm glad I could be there for my mom and help be a voice of reason or a shoulder to cry on, but looking back, I probably wasn't the best person to pull into the mix. I was just a teenage child.

Everything came to fruition November of my senior year of high school. I was in the basement, and my sisters were in their rooms when my dad came onto the intercom and asked us all to come to the kitchen. It was there where he confessed to us about the affair. He didn't confess apologetically, however. When he told us what had been going on, he put the fault on my mom for the family about to be torn apart. He said "your mom is going to leave us/me if I didn't tell you what I just told you". "Ask your mom not to leave us. She is about to walk out the door right now." [I'm sorry, but last I checked DAD, you were the one who cheated and screwed up. If mom wanted to leave you, she had every. single. f*cking. right.]

This confession left my sisters in tears and me doing my best to stay strong for them. They begged my mom not to leave dad just like dad wanted them to do. They made mom feel guilty for even considering it when I hoped she would be strong enough to walk out or better yet, make him walk out. Later that night when I got home from cheerleading, I can still remember going in my closet, shutting the door, and crying my eyes out. Finally, the truth had come out but the truth had become reality. My dad wasn't this man I put on the pedestal. Let alone the verbal abuse; he didn't only cheat on my mom; he cheated on us.

For years afterwards, I would have nightmares about my dad and K. About him confessing that he was in love with her and going to marry her. It wasn't until well after I graduated college that those nightmares subsided. Now, the nightmares have since gone away, but my relationship with my parents was and will forever be changed.

Your Tears Are Not Over Me

I heard you were crying over me yesterday Mom. That breaks my heart.  My instant reaction is to call you and see if you're okay, but the reason you're crying is not really over me. The reason you're crying is because you miss me, but the choices you have made are keeping us apart. When dad made you choose between him or me, you chose him. When I reached out and offered to meet you half way with our relationship but kindly asked you to not tell dad everything we spoke about, you told me he was your husband and you wouldn't keep anything from him. When I explained that his judgements and negativity weren't welcome and that is why I preferred to keep our relationship between you and I, you repeated that he was your husband and you would stand by him.

I get that. I do. He is your husband. But I am your daughter. I would love to share my life with you like we used to do, but I cannot if I can't trust you. Every time I do, I get burned from it. The last time was Thanksgiving. Again, I reached out and offered out a hand to try and start the healing process between us by all going to counseling. The counseling was refused but you asked who my counselor was. The daughter inside me relayed every piece of information I could in hopes that you would actually take me up on my offer. You did not. You relayed the information to dad who then tried to manipulate his way to indirectly control my life again. That is not okay.

You are not crying because of me because I have not done anything to cause you harm. I miss you mom, but it has been your choice not to invite me to holidays with the family. To not partake in counseling sessions. To not meet me at a coffee shop just to talk.

If only you knew how many days and nights I spent crying over how we were treated growing up. How dad treated (and still treats) you. How dad treated (and still treats) my sisters. I never wish you tears over me. Ever. But I am done being the one who tries and puts the pieces back together. I cannot and will not waste any more of my tears and time on people (whether family or not) who only tear me down. Perhaps there will be a day when things change. I hope and pray for it. However, today is not that day. Be happy with your choices because you did choose them. Always remember though, you can change your choices for the future and take a stand for your own heart.

I love you mom.

The Letter I Can't Bring Myself to Send

The below letter is one I wrote just to write after a suggestion from my counselor... but I cannot send it yet. I fear it will hurt my parents to hear the words I say. That they will take it as an attack and not for its intended purpose: to give them peace. So for now, I am posting it here.

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Mom and Dad,

First let me start this letter off by saying that I love you, always have and always will. You always made sure we had a roof over our heads and food on the table. You allowed us to go places and experience things most kids would only dream of. You raised me to be a kind, empathetic, driven, and successful woman. You taught me the value of hard work and dedication and that I can accomplish anything I set my mind to. You worked your butts off so that I could have the best future possible when I got out on my own. You made sure to attend just about every football game and cheerleading practice and competition I participated in. For all of those things and many more, I will be forever grateful to the both of you. 

It is through those life lessons and life experiences you taught me that my eyes were also open to the dark things going on in our own lives. My entire life, you always tried to protect me from the bad and dangers of the world. Unfortunately, what you didn't protect me from were the bruises and scars of verbal attacks that occurred within our home. I know I'm not a parent yet, but I know a parent should balance helping to protect their child from the evils of the world while also helping them to learn to fly on their own. Throughout my life, I felt like a caged bird that was allowed out on occasion but had her wings clipped preventing her from ever actually learning to fly on her own and experiencing the world for herself. 

Dad, you always tried to hammer in that I should have respect for myself while in the same breath calling me stupid or a b*tch or telling me I was fat and going to fail at school, friendships, relationships, etc.  What you should have been trying to do is build me up. This world is a crazy, scary place and our family's purpose should have been and should always be to be supportive and positive for one another. Constructive criticism is okay in doses when a child is young and still learning things, but I am an adult now. I need parents that I can share my life with as much or as little as I choose, and they don't judge, criticize or put my choices down. They are my choices. This is my life. 

You may think you don't know me anymore, but the fact is for 26 years, I didn't know myself. All I knew how to act and be was how I thought you wanted me to act and be. There was a light in me that dulled almost to the point of going out completely until three years ago when through much prayer, I decided to take control of my own life. It was time to stop letting you control my decisions and only do as you say to do. It was through that decision that I actually became the woman you always raised me to be. In fact, I am more than you could have ever dreamed of. The only difference is you aren't actively in my life anymore. Would I like that to change some day? Absolutely, but for now I need to keep my distance. 

Finally, for the first time in my life, I am strong from the inside out and I am SO incredibly proud of myself. I am successful and pursuing my dreams, and my dimmed passion for life has been turned into a burning flame. I have richer friendships and relationships than I ever have in my life. In fact, the relationship that has become the richest of all is the one I have with myself; I finally, actually believe in myself. 

The truth is I am still the daughter you once knew only stronger and better. I had to distance myself from your negativity to get to this place. To find out on my own that I could stand on my own two feet and in fact, wouldn't be a failure. Because of you, for so long I was afraid to truly live my life for fear of failure. You always put the fear of failure into my head and told me I was going to fail unless I did exactly as you said. I was never enough for you. Never smart enough, thin enough, got good enough grades, kind enough, perfect enough. But the truth is, who I am now and who I was before was always enough. I am enough. I am more than enough. I am an amazing woman who has learned about unconditional love, not from my own parents, but from God and Christ our Savior. He loves me and didn't give up on me at my lowest of lows, and I am so thankful for my relationship with Him above all else.

This may be hard for you to read, but I wanted to give you some insight into why I have chosen to keep my distance the last couple of years. Again, I love you guys more than you will ever know. In spite of the scars, I am able to forgive you because again, if it weren't for you, I wouldn't have a lot of the foundation that has enabled me to get to this place today. I love both of you unconditionally and pray that we can reconcile one day. For now, know that you are always in my prayers and on my heart.

I love you,

Your daughter

Stuck in My Head

My dad hasn't called me in two years. My mom hasn't called me to talk and say hello without some ulterior motive in probably about the same amount of time. My sister defriended me on Facebook late last summer, but she wasn't much of a phone talker/communicator anyway.

And I'm okay. 

This is something I always feared. My worst fear. That I couldn't survive without my family. However, I am not just surviving. I am succeeding beyond my wildest dreams. I have a good job, great friends, great extended family members, and am chasing my passions. Every day is better than the last. 

That being said, there are some days where I get stuck in my head.

These types of days used to be a common occurrence, but now they are few and far between. [Praise the Lord!] Typically, these types of days are brought on by some sort of indirect or direct communication with my family. And today is no different.

The two times my parents have reached out to me this year were something involving the church and them. The last time it was to renew their vows, and they invited me 6 days before to attend (even though I knew they had known about it for at least a month or two). This time my dad has been invited to an informational session about becoming a Deacon of the church. Of course, he couldn't pick up the phone and call me and tell me. He texted me a photo of the letter. 

I'm skeptical of each and every time they make some sort of contact, whether direct or indirect. They never, ever ask me about me and how I'm doing. I broke up with my boyfriend of 2.5 years in October last year, and I know they know, but they still haven't asked about it. Instead, they use the church as an 'in' with me. They know the church is a huge part of my life and my heart, and an easy way to get a response from me... and I always respond. However, I feel bad for being skeptical since this pertains to the church. Who am I to judge where he is at in his faith journey? I also know I am a large reason his faith journey is back in progress (whether for pure reasons or some sort of sick, twisted form of manipulation is TBD...).

The truth is, I can't help but immediately think that my father, who stopped attending church regularly in 1990, is using his incredible charm and mastery of manipulation within the church. I don't think he went into it knowing they would invite him to possibly become a Deacon, but I do know he knows how to use his power and words in such a way to always make himself appear in the best light. "Perception is reality" according to him. How does one start attending church regularly 5 months ago and all of a sudden get invited to possibly become a part of the leaders of the church? My gut doesn't trust it.

I have become a skeptic. But I think that's okay. It's myself's own way of protecting my heart and the life I have built for myself. He spent 28 years acting one way towards me (and my mother and sisters) and proving that he is a master manipulator... a few months in the Church restoring his faith makes me hopeful for him, but does not change my gut about him. 

I hate days like today. I wish they didn't ever happen, but they do. I've found that if I accept the days for what they are and allow myself to process, then I wake up the next day and choose to start fresh. Perhaps I can choose to start fresh sooner. I have to trust my gut and have faith that everything will work itself out. I can only control myself and my reactions to the things that happen. 

I am, right this minute, officially choosing to make the rest of today great, and not waste another minute on letting this get me down. IT WILL ALL WORK OUT!

Because of You

I am at a loss for words today, so instead I wanted to post the lyrics to a song that still to this day draws up so many emotions. It epitomizes how I approached life for 26 years because of a verbally abusive, unfaithful father and a codependent mother who accepted it and didn't stand up for herself. BUT I refuse to continue to live my life in fear of getting hurt and failing. Our chances only run out when we stop taking them. 2013 is MY year and I am no longer a victim of the circumstances I was born into. I am in control of my present and future and taking chances, I am and will.


"Because of You"
Kelly Clarkson

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

Honor Thy Father and Mother

"The fourth commandment says to honor thy father and thy mother.  I guess you've overlooked that."

My father said this to me in February 2011. Coincidentally, it was about a month after I started a new job and two months before I moved out of my parents' house and in with my roommate. I know he knew change was brewing. He was losing his control over me and words like this were his way to try and guilt me into remaining the battered little bird. And you know what? He was on to something.

My dad always knew which of my buttons to push that would make me doubt my choices and my self worth. The "honor thy father and mother commandment" was quite possibly my biggest struggle when deciding to take control of my own life. How do I essentially turn my back on the two people who gave me life, put a roof over my head, food on the table, and countless luxuries most kids would only dream of? This commandment means to put them above my own passions and wants and dreams, right? It means that I owe them my entire life, right?

Wrong.

To honor thy father and mother doesn't mean any of those things. To honor them means they have to honor you first. Sure, it's not in one of the ten commandments, but neither is honoring thy wife or husband. We all still need to honor one another in a family (or not family) or we cannot expect to be honored in return. To honor [to me] means to show respect and love for the other person. I wasn't being shown any respect yet I was being expected to make every minute of my day about my dad and mom. If I didn't bring home a bottle of vodka for my dad, I was chastised because he was out, and I should've checked ahead of time. I was a bad daughter if I didn't sit out on the porch every night with him while he drank his minimum of 4 "cocktails" and smoked his cigars. To my dad, that was honoring him. (Nevermind the fact that I have asthma and was a 25 year old who yearned for a social life.)

Needless to say, when I got my own job on my own, not of his dictating, bought my own car that I chose (not leased like he insisted), and moved out on my own, he wasn't feeling very "honored". In fact, on the day I moved out, he stood in the hall of their house watching my friends and I move my stuff. He did not lift a single finger to help and he bitched the entire time about how the dogs were going to get out.

But I digress.

It wasn't until I met with a priest in 2011 that I realized in order for a mother and father to be honored, they must also honor their children. That it is OKAY as a child of an abusive parent, to walk away. You don't have to accept the abuse, but NEVER ever stop praying for them. If you must walk away to stop the abuse and better yourself, then walk away. I tried and did everything I could to fix things before making that choice. Once the choice was made, it wasn't easy. I prayed and cried many days and nights over the guilt I felt for "abandoning" them and not being the glue that held the family together anymore. However, I deserved and deserve to be honored and respected. Not just sometimes. All of the time. Each and every one of us do.

Never accept anything less.