Stuck in My Head

My dad hasn't called me in two years. My mom hasn't called me to talk and say hello without some ulterior motive in probably about the same amount of time. My sister defriended me on Facebook late last summer, but she wasn't much of a phone talker/communicator anyway.

And I'm okay. 

This is something I always feared. My worst fear. That I couldn't survive without my family. However, I am not just surviving. I am succeeding beyond my wildest dreams. I have a good job, great friends, great extended family members, and am chasing my passions. Every day is better than the last. 

That being said, there are some days where I get stuck in my head.

These types of days used to be a common occurrence, but now they are few and far between. [Praise the Lord!] Typically, these types of days are brought on by some sort of indirect or direct communication with my family. And today is no different.

The two times my parents have reached out to me this year were something involving the church and them. The last time it was to renew their vows, and they invited me 6 days before to attend (even though I knew they had known about it for at least a month or two). This time my dad has been invited to an informational session about becoming a Deacon of the church. Of course, he couldn't pick up the phone and call me and tell me. He texted me a photo of the letter. 

I'm skeptical of each and every time they make some sort of contact, whether direct or indirect. They never, ever ask me about me and how I'm doing. I broke up with my boyfriend of 2.5 years in October last year, and I know they know, but they still haven't asked about it. Instead, they use the church as an 'in' with me. They know the church is a huge part of my life and my heart, and an easy way to get a response from me... and I always respond. However, I feel bad for being skeptical since this pertains to the church. Who am I to judge where he is at in his faith journey? I also know I am a large reason his faith journey is back in progress (whether for pure reasons or some sort of sick, twisted form of manipulation is TBD...).

The truth is, I can't help but immediately think that my father, who stopped attending church regularly in 1990, is using his incredible charm and mastery of manipulation within the church. I don't think he went into it knowing they would invite him to possibly become a Deacon, but I do know he knows how to use his power and words in such a way to always make himself appear in the best light. "Perception is reality" according to him. How does one start attending church regularly 5 months ago and all of a sudden get invited to possibly become a part of the leaders of the church? My gut doesn't trust it.

I have become a skeptic. But I think that's okay. It's myself's own way of protecting my heart and the life I have built for myself. He spent 28 years acting one way towards me (and my mother and sisters) and proving that he is a master manipulator... a few months in the Church restoring his faith makes me hopeful for him, but does not change my gut about him. 

I hate days like today. I wish they didn't ever happen, but they do. I've found that if I accept the days for what they are and allow myself to process, then I wake up the next day and choose to start fresh. Perhaps I can choose to start fresh sooner. I have to trust my gut and have faith that everything will work itself out. I can only control myself and my reactions to the things that happen. 

I am, right this minute, officially choosing to make the rest of today great, and not waste another minute on letting this get me down. IT WILL ALL WORK OUT!

Because of You

I am at a loss for words today, so instead I wanted to post the lyrics to a song that still to this day draws up so many emotions. It epitomizes how I approached life for 26 years because of a verbally abusive, unfaithful father and a codependent mother who accepted it and didn't stand up for herself. BUT I refuse to continue to live my life in fear of getting hurt and failing. Our chances only run out when we stop taking them. 2013 is MY year and I am no longer a victim of the circumstances I was born into. I am in control of my present and future and taking chances, I am and will.


"Because of You"
Kelly Clarkson

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

Honor Thy Father and Mother

"The fourth commandment says to honor thy father and thy mother.  I guess you've overlooked that."

My father said this to me in February 2011. Coincidentally, it was about a month after I started a new job and two months before I moved out of my parents' house and in with my roommate. I know he knew change was brewing. He was losing his control over me and words like this were his way to try and guilt me into remaining the battered little bird. And you know what? He was on to something.

My dad always knew which of my buttons to push that would make me doubt my choices and my self worth. The "honor thy father and mother commandment" was quite possibly my biggest struggle when deciding to take control of my own life. How do I essentially turn my back on the two people who gave me life, put a roof over my head, food on the table, and countless luxuries most kids would only dream of? This commandment means to put them above my own passions and wants and dreams, right? It means that I owe them my entire life, right?

Wrong.

To honor thy father and mother doesn't mean any of those things. To honor them means they have to honor you first. Sure, it's not in one of the ten commandments, but neither is honoring thy wife or husband. We all still need to honor one another in a family (or not family) or we cannot expect to be honored in return. To honor [to me] means to show respect and love for the other person. I wasn't being shown any respect yet I was being expected to make every minute of my day about my dad and mom. If I didn't bring home a bottle of vodka for my dad, I was chastised because he was out, and I should've checked ahead of time. I was a bad daughter if I didn't sit out on the porch every night with him while he drank his minimum of 4 "cocktails" and smoked his cigars. To my dad, that was honoring him. (Nevermind the fact that I have asthma and was a 25 year old who yearned for a social life.)

Needless to say, when I got my own job on my own, not of his dictating, bought my own car that I chose (not leased like he insisted), and moved out on my own, he wasn't feeling very "honored". In fact, on the day I moved out, he stood in the hall of their house watching my friends and I move my stuff. He did not lift a single finger to help and he bitched the entire time about how the dogs were going to get out.

But I digress.

It wasn't until I met with a priest in 2011 that I realized in order for a mother and father to be honored, they must also honor their children. That it is OKAY as a child of an abusive parent, to walk away. You don't have to accept the abuse, but NEVER ever stop praying for them. If you must walk away to stop the abuse and better yourself, then walk away. I tried and did everything I could to fix things before making that choice. Once the choice was made, it wasn't easy. I prayed and cried many days and nights over the guilt I felt for "abandoning" them and not being the glue that held the family together anymore. However, I deserved and deserve to be honored and respected. Not just sometimes. All of the time. Each and every one of us do.

Never accept anything less.

The First Time

In spring of 2006, I was in my 4th year of college and about to graduate. I had the world at my fingertips (or so I thought), and though I had no concrete career prospects, I was ready to start a new chapter of my life. All I had to get through was one class in summer the first summer session and I would be off. My mom and I were closer than we had ever been. We spoke every day on the phone, and she was without a doubt one my best friends in the entire world. I told her everything.

This was a problem for my dad.

The first time he openly expressed his displeasure was at the end of spring semester that year when I was trying to move my stuff to the next place I would be living while I finished up my last class of college as my lease had run out at my current apartment. We were talking about my impending move and arguing yet again about where I would live after I finished up my last class at college, NC, FL or GA (his choice was GA). I was sitting in Starbucks on the phone with him asking him what I should do to get help moving my stuff to the storage unit (as I couldn't take it all). He screamed at me, saying "WHY DON'T YOU ASK YOUR MOTHER SINCE YOU TWO ARE SO CLOSE?!" and hung up on me. Real mature right? Evidently, after that conversation he told my mother that her and I's friendship had become a big problem and he wouldn't stand for us being so close anymore. Needless to say, I figured out how to get my stuff moved with the help of a couple of friends. (Lesson I've come to learn: Everything, and I mean everything, always has a way of working itself out if you don't give up.)

At the time, I had a close friend with a father who was VERY similar to mine. We all called him 'Dick' because his name was Richard.... and it was quite fitting for him. Well Dick was as controlling and verbally abusive as my father. The only difference is that when Dick made his wife, my friend's mother, choose between him or the children, she chose the children and left him knowing she could very well be left penniless, but at least she and her children would be distanced from him.

This happened a couple of years prior to 2006, so I found comfort and was able to confide in my friend and her mother about my family situation. They both urged that I take a stand and start living my own life. Whatever I decided to do about my future, they would support me. They even offered to help find me a job in FL and let me live with them until I got on my feet. The next time my dad and I spoke, I stood my ground and firmly told him I would not be returning home to GA after I finished my last class. I had a job in NC that would allow me to pay my bills until I found something in NC or FL. He yelled some expletive that I cannot remember for the life of me, told me he was taking my car away and that I would be on my own, and hung up on me (again... notice a pattern?). After he hung up on me, I walked myself into the most popular restaurant in Chapel Hill and spoke to the manager and got a second job as a server on the spot. I was determined to be 100% on my own with or without my dad's support.

For the next week my dad tried EVERYTHING to get me to change my mind once he realized I wasn't backing down. He called me and threatened to leave my mom. He called me and had my sisters on the phone in tears begging me to come home because dad was going to leave them if I didn't. I knew he was bluffing so I called his bluff. The next call that came through was a bluff I called and hoped and prayed he wouldn't follow through with it.... The last and final time he tried to get me to change my mind and come home to Georgia, he told me he was going to kill himself if I didn't. Let me repeat that... my dad threatened to commit suicide if I didn't move back home to Georgia per his wishes. Like I said, I called his bluff.

The next call that came through was a few days later. He conceded and said I could keep my car because he couldn't bare the thought of me being stranded without one and something happening to me. I had won. That was the first time I attempted to take control of my life and break out of the controlled cage he had me in.

Within a few months, I got my first "big girl" job at a consulting firm all on my own which is an amazing story in and of itself. Over the next year, I worked harder and longer hours than I ever had in my life; I fully supported myself, but he was never proud of me. Ever. Eventually I decided to move back to Georgia so that I could be around my baby sister while she finished up her last few years of school. The good thing with consulting is you can live anywhere as long as an airport is nearby. So to Atlanta I went and moved in with my parents. My dad treated me as if I was the lowest human being on earth. I had to work to get back in his good graces. I would wake up and go to the gym with him, offer to make him a drink (he drinks 4-5 cocktails a day). I bought him starbucks just about every weekend morning and spent as much time with him doing whatever he wanted to do. I did everything I could to try and prove my love to him to get him to love me back. In retrospect, I should've done a lot of things different because it was through this that he regained control of me and my life that I had fought so hard for a year prior. My wings were clipped and back in the cage I went.

Lonely

You know, it's funny. I always thought that if I ever didn't have my (immediate) family in my life that I would be miserable. That life wouldn't be able to go on, and that I would be the loneliest person in the entire world. The reality is that I am the least lonely I have ever been in my life today after having distanced myself from them and their negativity. It's funny how sometimes our biggest fears are just big, made up lies we tell ourselves because we are too chicken to take a risk at choosing a better life for ourselves.

It's been almost exactly 2 years since I made the conscious decision to move out of my parents house and in with my amazing roommate and start the transition to taking control of my own life. Prior to the move, I lived with my parents for a little over a year. Prior to living with my parents, I lived with my sister for 1.5 years. Prior to living with my sister, I lived one floor above my sister in an apartment complex, so I could be there for her when she needed me. Prior to living one floor above my sister, I lived with my parents.... notice a trend? All of my living situations after college revolved around my family. In fact, every. single. thing I did was a choice made with the help of my dad's "guidance" or a fear of disappointing him.

Looking back, it's crazy to think how many decisions were made because my dad put the fear of "dad" in me. There was no fear of God taught in our house. It was always the fear of what dad would think, say, or do. I will get to specific examples in future blog posts, but nothing was off the table with him. How much I weighed (family weigh-ins still occur to this day), how long or short my hair was, what color my hair was, where I went to college, what car I drove.... etc. And all of those examples are since becoming an adult and getting out on my "own" after college.

Back to the point of this blog post.... I always thought I couldn't live without my parents. That life would not be able to go on when they passed one day down the road. However, now, I not only know I can live and survive without them, I believe and, more importantly, know that I can succeed and fly on my own with my own wings. It is the most amazing feeling in the world.

This past Christmas was the first Christmas I've ever spent alone. Leading up to the holiday, I was anxious about how I would feel. Would I be at my lowest of lows? Ashley, THE family girl and THE Christmas girl. I'm the girl who starts listening to Christmas music on November 1st. I bake tons of goodies and am totally in the Christmas spirit for two months straight. But this year, I had no family to share it with. [A little caveat, I had a good friend who allowed me to join his family on Christmas Eve and I was so blessed to be able to join them.] The day of Christmas arrived and I had a couple of gifts under the tree from my cousin and a good friend that I opened alone in my room. I went to Christmas mass, picked up dinner at McDonalds (thank you to them for being open because no grocery stores were! DOH!) and came home and watched Christmas movies. The day in and of itself ended up being a beautiful day. Not beautiful in the physical sense, but beautiful in the sense that I was filled with a sense of peace the entire day. There was never once a feeling of loneliness, just peace and thankfulness for where I was on that day spirituality and in my journey.

The truth is I was lonely for 28 years straight. I remember crying in my room as a kid feeling like my heart was broken and not knowing why. I didn't know what the word lonely meant, let alone being able to attach it to how I was feeling. But I was lonely. Even in my last relationship, I was lonely until the day we broke up. The feeling of loneliness is awful as a child and perhaps moreso as an adult. The last time I truly had a breakdown as a result was about a year ago after my 14 year old dog had passed. There I sat, tears streaming down my face as if they would never stop, kneeling in the corner of my ex's condo with no one around to comfort me and tell me it would be okay. To say I felt helpless was an understatement. It was at that point I decided enough was enough. No longer was I going to be the victim. I had to see someone (a counselor) and eventually take control of my life.

Flash forward to today. I have no boyfriend, no dog, and no (immediate family). But what I do have is an amazing sense of self confidence that I've never known before provided only by God's grace. I have extended family members and best friends that have become like my own little family. I am no longer lonely. I wish I could bottle up this feeling and sell it to those who need it. It is incredibly empowering. While I can't bottle up my peace and joy and sell it, I intend to share my story with the world and help others get to this same place in their lives. No one deserves to be lonely and no one deserves to accept the hell that I accepted for 26 years.