The First Time

In spring of 2006, I was in my 4th year of college and about to graduate. I had the world at my fingertips (or so I thought), and though I had no concrete career prospects, I was ready to start a new chapter of my life. All I had to get through was one class in summer the first summer session and I would be off. My mom and I were closer than we had ever been. We spoke every day on the phone, and she was without a doubt one my best friends in the entire world. I told her everything.

This was a problem for my dad.

The first time he openly expressed his displeasure was at the end of spring semester that year when I was trying to move my stuff to the next place I would be living while I finished up my last class of college as my lease had run out at my current apartment. We were talking about my impending move and arguing yet again about where I would live after I finished up my last class at college, NC, FL or GA (his choice was GA). I was sitting in Starbucks on the phone with him asking him what I should do to get help moving my stuff to the storage unit (as I couldn't take it all). He screamed at me, saying "WHY DON'T YOU ASK YOUR MOTHER SINCE YOU TWO ARE SO CLOSE?!" and hung up on me. Real mature right? Evidently, after that conversation he told my mother that her and I's friendship had become a big problem and he wouldn't stand for us being so close anymore. Needless to say, I figured out how to get my stuff moved with the help of a couple of friends. (Lesson I've come to learn: Everything, and I mean everything, always has a way of working itself out if you don't give up.)

At the time, I had a close friend with a father who was VERY similar to mine. We all called him 'Dick' because his name was Richard.... and it was quite fitting for him. Well Dick was as controlling and verbally abusive as my father. The only difference is that when Dick made his wife, my friend's mother, choose between him or the children, she chose the children and left him knowing she could very well be left penniless, but at least she and her children would be distanced from him.

This happened a couple of years prior to 2006, so I found comfort and was able to confide in my friend and her mother about my family situation. They both urged that I take a stand and start living my own life. Whatever I decided to do about my future, they would support me. They even offered to help find me a job in FL and let me live with them until I got on my feet. The next time my dad and I spoke, I stood my ground and firmly told him I would not be returning home to GA after I finished my last class. I had a job in NC that would allow me to pay my bills until I found something in NC or FL. He yelled some expletive that I cannot remember for the life of me, told me he was taking my car away and that I would be on my own, and hung up on me (again... notice a pattern?). After he hung up on me, I walked myself into the most popular restaurant in Chapel Hill and spoke to the manager and got a second job as a server on the spot. I was determined to be 100% on my own with or without my dad's support.

For the next week my dad tried EVERYTHING to get me to change my mind once he realized I wasn't backing down. He called me and threatened to leave my mom. He called me and had my sisters on the phone in tears begging me to come home because dad was going to leave them if I didn't. I knew he was bluffing so I called his bluff. The next call that came through was a bluff I called and hoped and prayed he wouldn't follow through with it.... The last and final time he tried to get me to change my mind and come home to Georgia, he told me he was going to kill himself if I didn't. Let me repeat that... my dad threatened to commit suicide if I didn't move back home to Georgia per his wishes. Like I said, I called his bluff.

The next call that came through was a few days later. He conceded and said I could keep my car because he couldn't bare the thought of me being stranded without one and something happening to me. I had won. That was the first time I attempted to take control of my life and break out of the controlled cage he had me in.

Within a few months, I got my first "big girl" job at a consulting firm all on my own which is an amazing story in and of itself. Over the next year, I worked harder and longer hours than I ever had in my life; I fully supported myself, but he was never proud of me. Ever. Eventually I decided to move back to Georgia so that I could be around my baby sister while she finished up her last few years of school. The good thing with consulting is you can live anywhere as long as an airport is nearby. So to Atlanta I went and moved in with my parents. My dad treated me as if I was the lowest human being on earth. I had to work to get back in his good graces. I would wake up and go to the gym with him, offer to make him a drink (he drinks 4-5 cocktails a day). I bought him starbucks just about every weekend morning and spent as much time with him doing whatever he wanted to do. I did everything I could to try and prove my love to him to get him to love me back. In retrospect, I should've done a lot of things different because it was through this that he regained control of me and my life that I had fought so hard for a year prior. My wings were clipped and back in the cage I went.