Lonely

You know, it's funny. I always thought that if I ever didn't have my (immediate) family in my life that I would be miserable. That life wouldn't be able to go on, and that I would be the loneliest person in the entire world. The reality is that I am the least lonely I have ever been in my life today after having distanced myself from them and their negativity. It's funny how sometimes our biggest fears are just big, made up lies we tell ourselves because we are too chicken to take a risk at choosing a better life for ourselves.

It's been almost exactly 2 years since I made the conscious decision to move out of my parents house and in with my amazing roommate and start the transition to taking control of my own life. Prior to the move, I lived with my parents for a little over a year. Prior to living with my parents, I lived with my sister for 1.5 years. Prior to living with my sister, I lived one floor above my sister in an apartment complex, so I could be there for her when she needed me. Prior to living one floor above my sister, I lived with my parents.... notice a trend? All of my living situations after college revolved around my family. In fact, every. single. thing I did was a choice made with the help of my dad's "guidance" or a fear of disappointing him.

Looking back, it's crazy to think how many decisions were made because my dad put the fear of "dad" in me. There was no fear of God taught in our house. It was always the fear of what dad would think, say, or do. I will get to specific examples in future blog posts, but nothing was off the table with him. How much I weighed (family weigh-ins still occur to this day), how long or short my hair was, what color my hair was, where I went to college, what car I drove.... etc. And all of those examples are since becoming an adult and getting out on my "own" after college.

Back to the point of this blog post.... I always thought I couldn't live without my parents. That life would not be able to go on when they passed one day down the road. However, now, I not only know I can live and survive without them, I believe and, more importantly, know that I can succeed and fly on my own with my own wings. It is the most amazing feeling in the world.

This past Christmas was the first Christmas I've ever spent alone. Leading up to the holiday, I was anxious about how I would feel. Would I be at my lowest of lows? Ashley, THE family girl and THE Christmas girl. I'm the girl who starts listening to Christmas music on November 1st. I bake tons of goodies and am totally in the Christmas spirit for two months straight. But this year, I had no family to share it with. [A little caveat, I had a good friend who allowed me to join his family on Christmas Eve and I was so blessed to be able to join them.] The day of Christmas arrived and I had a couple of gifts under the tree from my cousin and a good friend that I opened alone in my room. I went to Christmas mass, picked up dinner at McDonalds (thank you to them for being open because no grocery stores were! DOH!) and came home and watched Christmas movies. The day in and of itself ended up being a beautiful day. Not beautiful in the physical sense, but beautiful in the sense that I was filled with a sense of peace the entire day. There was never once a feeling of loneliness, just peace and thankfulness for where I was on that day spirituality and in my journey.

The truth is I was lonely for 28 years straight. I remember crying in my room as a kid feeling like my heart was broken and not knowing why. I didn't know what the word lonely meant, let alone being able to attach it to how I was feeling. But I was lonely. Even in my last relationship, I was lonely until the day we broke up. The feeling of loneliness is awful as a child and perhaps moreso as an adult. The last time I truly had a breakdown as a result was about a year ago after my 14 year old dog had passed. There I sat, tears streaming down my face as if they would never stop, kneeling in the corner of my ex's condo with no one around to comfort me and tell me it would be okay. To say I felt helpless was an understatement. It was at that point I decided enough was enough. No longer was I going to be the victim. I had to see someone (a counselor) and eventually take control of my life.

Flash forward to today. I have no boyfriend, no dog, and no (immediate family). But what I do have is an amazing sense of self confidence that I've never known before provided only by God's grace. I have extended family members and best friends that have become like my own little family. I am no longer lonely. I wish I could bottle up this feeling and sell it to those who need it. It is incredibly empowering. While I can't bottle up my peace and joy and sell it, I intend to share my story with the world and help others get to this same place in their lives. No one deserves to be lonely and no one deserves to accept the hell that I accepted for 26 years.