Fifteen Part 2

I've kind of been putting off writing this post. Not because I don't want to share it but each time I put my past experiences on "paper", it somehow makes them more real than they already were and are. Alas, I need to write these things down, so here goes Fifteen, Part Deaux...

At the age of 15 was when my relationship with my parents began the transition from child to adult pretty quickly. When most children should be worried about school work, the opposite sex (come on, hormones!), that awkward stage, and perhaps what pool they would spend their summer at, my fifteenth year (and sixteenth year) was spent consoling my mom and being a sounding board for her.

You see, that year was when my mom started to suspect that my dad was having an affair. Not just any affair, but an affair with a woman who had been working for my dad since I was nine years old. [We will call her "K" for the purposes of anonymity.] K had become a best friend to my mom and the older sister I never had. She was there at every birthday and holiday celebration that I can remember. She was the one who taught me how to answer the phones at my dad's office when I worked there over the summer. She would come to my karate competitions and cheer my sister and I on. I can still picture her porcelain-like skin, thin stature, jet black hair with thin, big bangs. She had some keychains on her car keys that she promised to me when I turned 16 (which she delivered but they have since be tossed out with yesterday's trash).

Looking back, I almost wonder if the affair had been going on for years before we first knew it. My mom started telling me she suspected something was going on between them. Dad always had an excuse for needing to work late and missing dinner with the family. He was also growing increasingly defensive and irritable when he would buy us "things" and we didn't respond in the way in which he wanted. [Insert verbal abuse and yelling and screaming here.] There were countless claims that we didn't really love him and appreciate him. None of us. To which we would reply "of course we do!" through tears streaming down our faces. We were always the bad guys. He was always the victim. In reality, he was the one sinning against his own family.

This affair went on for at least two to three years that I know of. My mom would confide in me and ask me if I knew where my dad was. Try and call him and see if he would answer. She was also confiding in a close friend of the family at the time too. I don't blame her. She had no where to turn. Unfortunately, her confiding in me caused me to lose a part of my childhood. I no longer trusted any man I dated for the next decade. I still have doubts in my mind, but have come to the conclusion and a sense of peace that I can't control anyone but myself. If a man wants to be unfaithful, then that is his decision and he will have to face the consequences. I wouldn't change anything. I'm glad I could be there for my mom and help be a voice of reason or a shoulder to cry on, but looking back, I probably wasn't the best person to pull into the mix. I was just a teenage child.

Everything came to fruition November of my senior year of high school. I was in the basement, and my sisters were in their rooms when my dad came onto the intercom and asked us all to come to the kitchen. It was there where he confessed to us about the affair. He didn't confess apologetically, however. When he told us what had been going on, he put the fault on my mom for the family about to be torn apart. He said "your mom is going to leave us/me if I didn't tell you what I just told you". "Ask your mom not to leave us. She is about to walk out the door right now." [I'm sorry, but last I checked DAD, you were the one who cheated and screwed up. If mom wanted to leave you, she had every. single. f*cking. right.]

This confession left my sisters in tears and me doing my best to stay strong for them. They begged my mom not to leave dad just like dad wanted them to do. They made mom feel guilty for even considering it when I hoped she would be strong enough to walk out or better yet, make him walk out. Later that night when I got home from cheerleading, I can still remember going in my closet, shutting the door, and crying my eyes out. Finally, the truth had come out but the truth had become reality. My dad wasn't this man I put on the pedestal. Let alone the verbal abuse; he didn't only cheat on my mom; he cheated on us.

For years afterwards, I would have nightmares about my dad and K. About him confessing that he was in love with her and going to marry her. It wasn't until well after I graduated college that those nightmares subsided. Now, the nightmares have since gone away, but my relationship with my parents was and will forever be changed.

Your Tears Are Not Over Me

I heard you were crying over me yesterday Mom. That breaks my heart.  My instant reaction is to call you and see if you're okay, but the reason you're crying is not really over me. The reason you're crying is because you miss me, but the choices you have made are keeping us apart. When dad made you choose between him or me, you chose him. When I reached out and offered to meet you half way with our relationship but kindly asked you to not tell dad everything we spoke about, you told me he was your husband and you wouldn't keep anything from him. When I explained that his judgements and negativity weren't welcome and that is why I preferred to keep our relationship between you and I, you repeated that he was your husband and you would stand by him.

I get that. I do. He is your husband. But I am your daughter. I would love to share my life with you like we used to do, but I cannot if I can't trust you. Every time I do, I get burned from it. The last time was Thanksgiving. Again, I reached out and offered out a hand to try and start the healing process between us by all going to counseling. The counseling was refused but you asked who my counselor was. The daughter inside me relayed every piece of information I could in hopes that you would actually take me up on my offer. You did not. You relayed the information to dad who then tried to manipulate his way to indirectly control my life again. That is not okay.

You are not crying because of me because I have not done anything to cause you harm. I miss you mom, but it has been your choice not to invite me to holidays with the family. To not partake in counseling sessions. To not meet me at a coffee shop just to talk.

If only you knew how many days and nights I spent crying over how we were treated growing up. How dad treated (and still treats) you. How dad treated (and still treats) my sisters. I never wish you tears over me. Ever. But I am done being the one who tries and puts the pieces back together. I cannot and will not waste any more of my tears and time on people (whether family or not) who only tear me down. Perhaps there will be a day when things change. I hope and pray for it. However, today is not that day. Be happy with your choices because you did choose them. Always remember though, you can change your choices for the future and take a stand for your own heart.

I love you mom.

The Letter I Can't Bring Myself to Send

The below letter is one I wrote just to write after a suggestion from my counselor... but I cannot send it yet. I fear it will hurt my parents to hear the words I say. That they will take it as an attack and not for its intended purpose: to give them peace. So for now, I am posting it here.

-----------------------------------------

Mom and Dad,

First let me start this letter off by saying that I love you, always have and always will. You always made sure we had a roof over our heads and food on the table. You allowed us to go places and experience things most kids would only dream of. You raised me to be a kind, empathetic, driven, and successful woman. You taught me the value of hard work and dedication and that I can accomplish anything I set my mind to. You worked your butts off so that I could have the best future possible when I got out on my own. You made sure to attend just about every football game and cheerleading practice and competition I participated in. For all of those things and many more, I will be forever grateful to the both of you. 

It is through those life lessons and life experiences you taught me that my eyes were also open to the dark things going on in our own lives. My entire life, you always tried to protect me from the bad and dangers of the world. Unfortunately, what you didn't protect me from were the bruises and scars of verbal attacks that occurred within our home. I know I'm not a parent yet, but I know a parent should balance helping to protect their child from the evils of the world while also helping them to learn to fly on their own. Throughout my life, I felt like a caged bird that was allowed out on occasion but had her wings clipped preventing her from ever actually learning to fly on her own and experiencing the world for herself. 

Dad, you always tried to hammer in that I should have respect for myself while in the same breath calling me stupid or a b*tch or telling me I was fat and going to fail at school, friendships, relationships, etc.  What you should have been trying to do is build me up. This world is a crazy, scary place and our family's purpose should have been and should always be to be supportive and positive for one another. Constructive criticism is okay in doses when a child is young and still learning things, but I am an adult now. I need parents that I can share my life with as much or as little as I choose, and they don't judge, criticize or put my choices down. They are my choices. This is my life. 

You may think you don't know me anymore, but the fact is for 26 years, I didn't know myself. All I knew how to act and be was how I thought you wanted me to act and be. There was a light in me that dulled almost to the point of going out completely until three years ago when through much prayer, I decided to take control of my own life. It was time to stop letting you control my decisions and only do as you say to do. It was through that decision that I actually became the woman you always raised me to be. In fact, I am more than you could have ever dreamed of. The only difference is you aren't actively in my life anymore. Would I like that to change some day? Absolutely, but for now I need to keep my distance. 

Finally, for the first time in my life, I am strong from the inside out and I am SO incredibly proud of myself. I am successful and pursuing my dreams, and my dimmed passion for life has been turned into a burning flame. I have richer friendships and relationships than I ever have in my life. In fact, the relationship that has become the richest of all is the one I have with myself; I finally, actually believe in myself. 

The truth is I am still the daughter you once knew only stronger and better. I had to distance myself from your negativity to get to this place. To find out on my own that I could stand on my own two feet and in fact, wouldn't be a failure. Because of you, for so long I was afraid to truly live my life for fear of failure. You always put the fear of failure into my head and told me I was going to fail unless I did exactly as you said. I was never enough for you. Never smart enough, thin enough, got good enough grades, kind enough, perfect enough. But the truth is, who I am now and who I was before was always enough. I am enough. I am more than enough. I am an amazing woman who has learned about unconditional love, not from my own parents, but from God and Christ our Savior. He loves me and didn't give up on me at my lowest of lows, and I am so thankful for my relationship with Him above all else.

This may be hard for you to read, but I wanted to give you some insight into why I have chosen to keep my distance the last couple of years. Again, I love you guys more than you will ever know. In spite of the scars, I am able to forgive you because again, if it weren't for you, I wouldn't have a lot of the foundation that has enabled me to get to this place today. I love both of you unconditionally and pray that we can reconcile one day. For now, know that you are always in my prayers and on my heart.

I love you,

Your daughter