The below letter is one I wrote just to write after a suggestion from my counselor... but I cannot send it yet. I fear it will hurt my parents to hear the words I say. That they will take it as an attack and not for its intended purpose: to give them peace. So for now, I am posting it here.
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Mom and Dad,
First let me start this letter off by saying that I love you, always have and always will. You always made sure we had a roof over our heads and food on the table. You allowed us to go places and experience things most kids would only dream of. You raised me to be a kind, empathetic, driven, and successful woman. You taught me the value of hard work and dedication and that I can accomplish anything I set my mind to. You worked your butts off so that I could have the best future possible when I got out on my own. You made sure to attend just about every football game and cheerleading practice and competition I participated in. For all of those things and many more, I will be forever grateful to the both of you.
It is through those life lessons and life experiences you taught me that my eyes were also open to the dark things going on in our own lives. My entire life, you always tried to protect me from the bad and dangers of the world. Unfortunately, what you didn't protect me from were the bruises and scars of verbal attacks that occurred within our home. I know I'm not a parent yet, but I know a parent should balance helping to protect their child from the evils of the world while also helping them to learn to fly on their own. Throughout my life, I felt like a caged bird that was allowed out on occasion but had her wings clipped preventing her from ever actually learning to fly on her own and experiencing the world for herself.
Dad, you always tried to hammer in that I should have respect for myself while in the same breath calling me stupid or a b*tch or telling me I was fat and going to fail at school, friendships, relationships, etc. What you should have been trying to do is build me up. This world is a crazy, scary place and our family's purpose should have been and should always be to be supportive and positive for one another. Constructive criticism is okay in doses when a child is young and still learning things, but I am an adult now. I need parents that I can share my life with as much or as little as I choose, and they don't judge, criticize or put my choices down. They are my choices. This is my life.
You may think you don't know me anymore, but the fact is for 26 years, I didn't know myself. All I knew how to act and be was how I thought you wanted me to act and be. There was a light in me that dulled almost to the point of going out completely until three years ago when through much prayer, I decided to take control of my own life. It was time to stop letting you control my decisions and only do as you say to do. It was through that decision that I actually became the woman you always raised me to be. In fact, I am more than you could have ever dreamed of. The only difference is you aren't actively in my life anymore. Would I like that to change some day? Absolutely, but for now I need to keep my distance.
Finally, for the first time in my life, I am strong from the inside out and I am SO incredibly proud of myself. I am successful and pursuing my dreams, and my dimmed passion for life has been turned into a burning flame. I have richer friendships and relationships than I ever have in my life. In fact, the relationship that has become the richest of all is the one I have with myself; I finally, actually believe in myself.
The truth is I am still the daughter you once knew only stronger and better. I had to distance myself from your negativity to get to this place. To find out on my own that I could stand on my own two feet and in fact, wouldn't be a failure. Because of you, for so long I was afraid to truly live my life for fear of failure. You always put the fear of failure into my head and told me I was going to fail unless I did exactly as you said. I was never enough for you. Never smart enough, thin enough, got good enough grades, kind enough, perfect enough. But the truth is, who I am now and who I was before was always enough. I am enough. I am more than enough. I am an amazing woman who has learned about unconditional love, not from my own parents, but from God and Christ our Savior. He loves me and didn't give up on me at my lowest of lows, and I am so thankful for my relationship with Him above all else.
This may be hard for you to read, but I wanted to give you some insight into why I have chosen to keep my distance the last couple of years. Again, I love you guys more than you will ever know. In spite of the scars, I am able to forgive you because again, if it weren't for you, I wouldn't have a lot of the foundation that has enabled me to get to this place today. I love both of you unconditionally and pray that we can reconcile one day. For now, know that you are always in my prayers and on my heart.
I love you,
Your daughter
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