Baby Steps and Codependent Tendencies

This week has been a tough week mentally.

Last weekend, I felt it was finally time to go to my parents house (which I swore I would never do. They HAD to meet me halfway) and sit down and have a talk with them about moving forward. I'm not sure why or where it came from but the feeling came, and I leaned into it. It went as well as it could have. I kept my chin high and honestly had no expectations for how it would go. I simply wanted to start the process of baby steps for moving forward. They were receptive, and we ended up spending a little over 2 hours talking about things and catching up on life in general. Mom was extremely open and warm and loving, and dad was... well... dad. A little high and mighty combined with not accepting responsibility or accepting the real reason I distanced myself. Some things probably will never change.

On Sunday, I saw them again at the class at church. Again, things went well, and it wasn't awkward. I even sat myself at their table for the table discussions time and helped to lead things. I wanted to prove to myself and them that I wasn't scared and that my confidence is real. Mom and I exchanged a few of our smiles and looks at each other that say "I love you." "I love you too." Dad was stiff, however. He acted as his high and mighty self and couldn't actually open up and be a real person. He's always trying to guide people instead of reflecting on himself. Some things just may never change... The hard part for me during that class was when the lady in charge started correlating the church to family and spoke about how you never leave your family and you never turn your back on your family. My parents gave each other looks that basically said "HA! WE ARE RIGHT! ASHLEY SUCKS AND WAS TOTALLY IN THE WRONG!" I wish the head of the program would've given a caveat. Not that it would've mattered. My dad doesn't think he did anything wrong.... The caveat is this. You don't leave or turn your back on a LOVING AND SUPPORTIVE family, but if that family environment is negative and tumultuous and the only way for YOU to get healthy is to walk away, then it's okay.... just make sure that you never ever stop praying for them. This is what I did, and I have no regrets about it. It's just tough to sit there and have your parents not understand... maybe ever.

Later on Sunday, I had the opportunity to share my story with a new friend who is going through something similar with their own family. It was uncanny how similar our stories are... general and specific stories. I hadn't opened up about those stories really to anyone except my counselor in a very long time. Part of me almost wants to forget they ever happened, but I know I need to learn to share them. Sharing will only help to heal. It helped to reiterate that I'm not crazy and the only one in the world who has gone through something like this. This person is about a year or so behind me in their journey, and I hope they will find some comfort in knowing they aren't the only one either.

Last weekend was a BIG weekend for me. Those parts of my heart that I've kept closed for so long are starting to open again, and I want to face them. I want to start healing the deepest wounds. But it's not easy. This week has NOT been easy. Even though the weekend of events with my family stuff was positive, it was extremely difficult on me. It has taken a few days for me to process and fully grasp what I'm opening myself up to again. That vulnerability is scary as hell. I even started to feel myself slip back into codependency traits and insecurities... even my diet changed almost over night and I craved things I haven't craved since I was codependent on my parents. I was even anxious about my HEALTHY relationships in my life and making up in my head that one of my best friends was mad at me and maybe the guy I'm dating doesn't like me anymore...

Why would he want to take a chance on me?
What good did I bring to the table?
Why do I think I'm worth it?
Is one of my best friends mad at me for letting her down?
Will she still want to be my friend if she sees that I'm not perfect?
I'm not really worthy of this amazing friendship, am I?

I can seriously drive myself nuts with these doubts and insecurities. LUCKILY, they haven't come up in a long time, and I was able to stop them. I have learned over time how to stop the cycle before it starts to head downward. I allow myself to feel but then I don't allow myself to stay there. Instead of badgering my friend and asking if she's mad at me and apologizing for whatever I make up in my head, I stop. I take time for myself. I talk it out with a couple of amazing, close people who have known me my entire life. Then, I put my cell phone to the side, and I give it a night. I veg, I pray, and I get some sleep. When I wake up in the morning, I send said friend a text message of love and all is good again. Because in reality...

I AM WORTH HER FRIENDSHIP.
I AM WORTHY OF THIS AMAZING LIFE.
I AM AN AMAZING CATCH AND ANY MAN WOULD BE LUCKY TO HAVE ME IN HIS LIFE.
I AM WORTHY OF EVERYTHING MY HEART DESIRES AND AM MORE THAN ENOUGH!


And SO ARE YOU.

Harmless Lies That Aren't So Harmless

I know I haven't blogged much in a while about my stories of growing up in a verbally abusive household, and truth be told some of the stories are quite short. They're not really stories but tricks and lies to get my sisters and I to believe my dad was basically "god". He knew all and only following his commandments would allow for us to be successful in life. If we didn't follow his word, then we would be failures and end up on the street.

Here are just a few of the lies/stories that stuck with me through childhood and beyond:

• Balloons needed to be released to "heaven". We were convinced to let our balloons go up into the sky and send them to heaven. I can't remember any time we had balloons hanging around in the house for days after a party or an event. [What's interesting is that now, if I get a balloon for my birthday or something, it will sit in my office or room as long as possible until it deflates on its own or I get tired of looking at it.]
• Bedtime was always at 8pm (unless it was TGIF Friday)... Unless it was really 7:30. I never really knew. My parents used to change the time on the clock so that they showed it was 8pm when it was really earlier once I was able to tell time. Also, we were NEVER on time for anything. We were always early and always left early. [It took until the last couple of years for me to allow myself to be on time or even late to things. When you stop and actually enjoy the moment you're in, the time doesn't really matter (with a few exceptions of course).]
• My curfew was 9:30pm. Or was it? I had set my watch to be 7 minutes ahead of the time of the clock in the kitchen, but when I got home from being out with friends, I was conveniently 3 minutes late. How does that happen? Well they admit it today, but back then, they changed the clock to scare me into thinking I was late so that I would never be late again. I even got grounded for being "late" that time. Surely, there's a better way to teach a lesson than that... or just trust that you've raised your daughter to make the right decisions?
• If I didn't give out three compliments a day, I was a bad person who didn't think of others. Sure, it taught me to give people compliments and how to make others feel good about themselves, BUT he could've just led by example. When was the last time I heard a compliment from him?
• Anyone who is 5 shouldn't still be carrying around a blanket. Up until my 5th birthday, I had a blanket I slept with and carried around. My parents convinced me into thinking it would be embarrassing if my friends came over for my party and they saw that I still had a blanket. I refused to give it up/hide it, but then the morning of my party, I gave it to my parents and asked them to hold it so my friends didn't see. When the party was over, I asked for it back. "We threw it away," they said. "We thought you didn't want it anymore, so we threw it away." I can remember crying so hard over that lost blanket and begging them to find it. That I only asked them to hold it, not throw it away.

There are other things, like my dad had me convinced he was omniscient (all-knowing). That he knew when I cussed or said bad things or what went through my head. He used to ask questions to try and lead me to admit things that either I had or hadn't done/said. I can remember a time at dinner when he laid into me about being on drugs (I have never even tried pot mind you.). I was 14 and we were at a public restaurant and he started in on me accusing me of being on drugs. It was so ridiculous that I was laughing, which made him even angrier and made matters worse. What he was really seeing from me was a teenage girl experiencing the ups and downs of hormones. Instead of tapping into that, he accused me of being on drugs. As a matter of fact, I got accused of being on drugs 2 years ago, and from what I hear, my baby sister still does. It's as though he can't rationalize a behavior from us, so we MUST be on drugs. That's the only logical explanation.... OR you can just ask us what's going on and if we're okay... But that would be too healthy to do.

If you have experienced anything like this, know it's not healthy or normal. I have worked hard over the past few years to replace 26 years worth of lies with the real truths. Most have been processed but some pop up every now and again. It's okay to let ourselves process and work through these. It's not an easy road, but once you're on the other side, it's all worth it.

Puzzle Pieces and Baggage

Love is a crazy and amazing thing, but if you're like my best friend and I, you're not quite sure if there is truly someone in this world who will be able to accept and "handle" all of you and your "baggage". We met for dinner last night and had an inspiring conversation about this. You see, my best friend is a single mother to a beautiful and amazing (almost) 7 month old boy. I won't publicly roast her "sperm donor" on here, but just know there are no nice words that come to mind when his name comes up.

Both she and I have what most would call "baggage": She with her little one and me with my verbal abuse history and family issues. Most people would consider this baggage and us as damaged goods. But I prefer to think of us in a different light. I actually believe we are the most equipped for love when it comes our way and for sticking in a long lasting, healthy relationship. We have been able to rise above the terribly crappy cards that have been dealt to us and make amazing lives for ourselves. We are strong, independent women who know who we are and aren't willing to settle for anything less than we deserve because we have been through the crud and refuse to go back. We have become strong enough to carry our own baggage with one finger on one hand and hold it above our heads.

But now the question looming is, who is able to help us unpack it?

That's where the puzzle pieces come into play. Because of the storms we have weathered in our lives, the pieces to our own puzzle have become chiseled and formed so uniquely that we both wonder if someone exists who can fit with us. For me, I finally have a great sense of who I am and who I want to continue to be moving forward. My life is founded in my faith in the Lord and not the opposite. I need someone who lives his life the same. And more than likely he will come with his own "baggage" as the storms in his own life will have molded and shaped his puzzle piece so that it is unique as well.

I sometimes wonder though, does that complementary puzzle piece exist for me? I have faith and hope that it does (and he does). People through the history of time have found each other and have had a lifetime of love. I know the Lord will allow someone to come into my life when it's the right time. Who knows? Maybe he already has. What's important to remember is that while I'm opening myself up to love again, that I stay true to myself and my needs. The love I'm opening up to is the kind of love I've never experienced or had before. This new love will be healthy and balanced and will inspire me to continue to strive to be a better person. As will I do the same for him. I've weathered a helluva storm; the sun is now shining, and I'm ready to find that person that I can continue on this journey with. That puzzle piece that will fit with mine and the person who will help me unpack and stay a (long) while.