Your Tears Are Not Over Me

I heard you were crying over me yesterday Mom. That breaks my heart.  My instant reaction is to call you and see if you're okay, but the reason you're crying is not really over me. The reason you're crying is because you miss me, but the choices you have made are keeping us apart. When dad made you choose between him or me, you chose him. When I reached out and offered to meet you half way with our relationship but kindly asked you to not tell dad everything we spoke about, you told me he was your husband and you wouldn't keep anything from him. When I explained that his judgements and negativity weren't welcome and that is why I preferred to keep our relationship between you and I, you repeated that he was your husband and you would stand by him.

I get that. I do. He is your husband. But I am your daughter. I would love to share my life with you like we used to do, but I cannot if I can't trust you. Every time I do, I get burned from it. The last time was Thanksgiving. Again, I reached out and offered out a hand to try and start the healing process between us by all going to counseling. The counseling was refused but you asked who my counselor was. The daughter inside me relayed every piece of information I could in hopes that you would actually take me up on my offer. You did not. You relayed the information to dad who then tried to manipulate his way to indirectly control my life again. That is not okay.

You are not crying because of me because I have not done anything to cause you harm. I miss you mom, but it has been your choice not to invite me to holidays with the family. To not partake in counseling sessions. To not meet me at a coffee shop just to talk.

If only you knew how many days and nights I spent crying over how we were treated growing up. How dad treated (and still treats) you. How dad treated (and still treats) my sisters. I never wish you tears over me. Ever. But I am done being the one who tries and puts the pieces back together. I cannot and will not waste any more of my tears and time on people (whether family or not) who only tear me down. Perhaps there will be a day when things change. I hope and pray for it. However, today is not that day. Be happy with your choices because you did choose them. Always remember though, you can change your choices for the future and take a stand for your own heart.

I love you mom.