This week has been a tough week mentally.
Last weekend, I felt it was finally time to go to my parents house (which I swore I would never do. They HAD to meet me halfway) and sit down and have a talk with them about moving forward. I'm not sure why or where it came from but the feeling came, and I leaned into it. It went as well as it could have. I kept my chin high and honestly had no expectations for how it would go. I simply wanted to start the process of baby steps for moving forward. They were receptive, and we ended up spending a little over 2 hours talking about things and catching up on life in general. Mom was extremely open and warm and loving, and dad was... well... dad. A little high and mighty combined with not accepting responsibility or accepting the real reason I distanced myself. Some things probably will never change.
On Sunday, I saw them again at the class at church. Again, things went well, and it wasn't awkward. I even sat myself at their table for the table discussions time and helped to lead things. I wanted to prove to myself and them that I wasn't scared and that my confidence is real. Mom and I exchanged a few of our smiles and looks at each other that say "I love you." "I love you too." Dad was stiff, however. He acted as his high and mighty self and couldn't actually open up and be a real person. He's always trying to guide people instead of reflecting on himself. Some things just may never change... The hard part for me during that class was when the lady in charge started correlating the church to family and spoke about how you never leave your family and you never turn your back on your family. My parents gave each other looks that basically said "HA! WE ARE RIGHT! ASHLEY SUCKS AND WAS TOTALLY IN THE WRONG!" I wish the head of the program would've given a caveat. Not that it would've mattered. My dad doesn't think he did anything wrong.... The caveat is this. You don't leave or turn your back on a LOVING AND SUPPORTIVE family, but if that family environment is negative and tumultuous and the only way for YOU to get healthy is to walk away, then it's okay.... just make sure that you never ever stop praying for them. This is what I did, and I have no regrets about it. It's just tough to sit there and have your parents not understand... maybe ever.
Later on Sunday, I had the opportunity to share my story with a new friend who is going through something similar with their own family. It was uncanny how similar our stories are... general and specific stories. I hadn't opened up about those stories really to anyone except my counselor in a very long time. Part of me almost wants to forget they ever happened, but I know I need to learn to share them. Sharing will only help to heal. It helped to reiterate that I'm not crazy and the only one in the world who has gone through something like this. This person is about a year or so behind me in their journey, and I hope they will find some comfort in knowing they aren't the only one either.
Last weekend was a BIG weekend for me. Those parts of my heart that I've kept closed for so long are starting to open again, and I want to face them. I want to start healing the deepest wounds. But it's not easy. This week has NOT been easy. Even though the weekend of events with my family stuff was positive, it was extremely difficult on me. It has taken a few days for me to process and fully grasp what I'm opening myself up to again. That vulnerability is scary as hell. I even started to feel myself slip back into codependency traits and insecurities... even my diet changed almost over night and I craved things I haven't craved since I was codependent on my parents. I was even anxious about my HEALTHY relationships in my life and making up in my head that one of my best friends was mad at me and maybe the guy I'm dating doesn't like me anymore...
Why would he want to take a chance on me?
What good did I bring to the table?
Why do I think I'm worth it?
Is one of my best friends mad at me for letting her down?
Will she still want to be my friend if she sees that I'm not perfect?
I'm not really worthy of this amazing friendship, am I?
I can seriously drive myself nuts with these doubts and insecurities. LUCKILY, they haven't come up in a long time, and I was able to stop them. I have learned over time how to stop the cycle before it starts to head downward. I allow myself to feel but then I don't allow myself to stay there. Instead of badgering my friend and asking if she's mad at me and apologizing for whatever I make up in my head, I stop. I take time for myself. I talk it out with a couple of amazing, close people who have known me my entire life. Then, I put my cell phone to the side, and I give it a night. I veg, I pray, and I get some sleep. When I wake up in the morning, I send said friend a text message of love and all is good again. Because in reality...
I AM WORTH HER FRIENDSHIP.
I AM WORTHY OF THIS AMAZING LIFE.
I AM AN AMAZING CATCH AND ANY MAN WOULD BE LUCKY TO HAVE ME IN HIS LIFE.
I AM WORTHY OF EVERYTHING MY HEART DESIRES AND AM MORE THAN ENOUGH!
And SO ARE YOU.
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